Passions and Indifference.

It's Friday.

It's middle May and I am plaughing through my life one screen at a time.

The last 3 years have been an incessant head-noise.

My ears have been so full of the hum of busy days, that I have barely had time to assess what's happening.

Life is nothing, if not always full of surprises.

Three years ago, I started working at a charity.  What started as a small piece of input turned into something amazing - something I really loved.

Through working up a sweat two nights, three nights, sometimes five nights a week after work, after long days at home with sick kids, after spending days fretting about finances, after arguments with the husband, after workplace bullshit, I found friendship, love and even confidence.

What began as something which was only supposed to be a dip-in-and-out, a break from daily grind, a chance to work of some of my excess frustrations with other aspects of my life turned into a passion and a duty which I was proud to carry.

I gave up my time, my heart and my soul.

And as always, when I enter so thoroughly into some kind of devilish contract - the one that operates loosely and without any tenure.  One that my heart takes control of way over my head...

My passion bit me on the bum.

Things changed and I found myself naturally pushed out as things progressed.  Suddenly, I'm in that all-too-familiar situation of being left out in the cold.

I feel like I've had a really horrible break up - or my best friend has ghosted me.

Suddenly, I can't share the posts from the charity looking for help.

It's ridiculous.

I feel lost.

I've had to pretend to myself it doesn't exist without me - which I am hating, because it does and I so really want to be a part of it.

It's sink or swim time for my passions.

Every time one gets destroyed I feel a little harder, a little colder.

Life is full of disappointment.  Why do I take them so personally?

I think it's because I constantly do the hokey cokey - I always put my whole self in.

I gave up the one job I loved the most in the whole wide world for the one I have now.  And it's odd. I could have talked all day about the merits of the library, I could have made even the most dispassionate person interested in books, I loved nothing more than inspiring young readers and organising the library.

Passion, passion, passion.  Heart-bursting-with-joy passion.

And now?

I've become someone I don't recognise.  I'm not thrilled, I'm pro-active and hard-headed. I'm enjoying the challenge.  I am being a manager.

I'm working harder and more efficiently. I'm tougher. 

Is this who I am now?

Like being disappointed by someone constantly over time, I have become the opposite of love - I have become indifferent.

And it's such a dull and empty feeling.

Protective, maybe?

I'm so fed up of being hurt that I've become indifferent.

If I cared, I would have to face up to the fact that there are people out there who would kill my passion without a thought and leave me heartbroken.  Which is a rough thing to do to someone.

God - do I ever do that to anyone?

I hope not.

I seem to be the common denominator: a silly wee lassie with her heart on her sleeve.

As for this job, I suppose I am wary. So wary of my passions.  My ability to be hurt.

I can track it back to so many things.

Have I ever fit in?  Will I ever have a 'safe' group?

I thought I'd found it.

And again, here I am - on the outside, looking in.

The Post-Holiday Dread

I've been on annual leave for a week and I don't want to go back to work.

Work is stress.  Work is trying to figure out the impossible with both hands tied behind my back.  Work is unfriendly. Work is crumbling and broken and needs so much more than little old me to fix it.  Work is constant criticism, and juggling, and managing time I really don't have.

Do I have to go back?

I keep having mini-stress attacks; my heart starts rushing, I get the sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can feel my adrenaline starting to course through my veins in fight-or-flight; a response which is unwarranted (as I keep having to try to tell my brain, which seems to want to do anything but be calm about all of this).

I'm worried about so much; taking myself off social media so that I wasn't tempted to look at anything work-relates mid-week has the downside that now, as manager of this service which is supposed to deliver STUFF in the next few weeks is making me feel very disconnected indeed.


What am I going back to?

What has or hasn't been done?

Will I be surprised (pleasantly or otherwise)?

We've had a lovely week.  We took a much-needed trip to St. Andrews together to look at bookshops, eat Italian paninis and indulge ourselves with rich cake.
On Tuesday we shopped for new flooring and started some DIY.
Wednesdy was the day we built a kitchen unit - finding (unbelievably) a piece of worktop in the garage so perfect, that we didn't have to cut it.
Thursday we wenyt shopping and had brunch at Wetherspoons, enjoying our child-free time.
On Thursday I also had to sit and pay the wages, which took a few hours. 
Friday, I had plans with a friend.  Calamity Jane at the cinema in Perth, followed by lunch and a spot of shops. 
On Saturday, the dread began....so close to Monday.  My girlfriends had plans to go out, and I guiltily held back until committing myself to go about and hour before we were due out.  I could quite happily have stayed at home - the thought of work starting made me feel sick and depressed.
I made plans to come home - I didn't want to waste any of my last day making my way home from a night out.
Today I woke up and it was sunny.  Really sunny.

I was a little hungover from the night's ablutions, but I was keen to not waste the day.

Suggestions of going out - it's a sunny day, we should 'do something'.

I stepped into the garden to take the dogs out...windy, cold...nope.

I came back in - "we can go out, but somewhere inside please".

So: Ice Skating.

Hilarious.  The boys loved it - all three.  Tom was his usual uncoordinated self - he made Bambi look like a tightrope walker.  He refused to hold onto the side and instead spent most of his time crashing into peaople, the floor and doing his best pratt falls, which meant he garnered huge sympathy from pretty much everyone, who then tried to help him, which was really nice.  He bumped into loads of school friends and they were all great, giving him little hints and tips.

Ethan gingerly stepped onto the ice and then slipping too much, he pulled himself back into the hole he came out of...hilariously, comedically.  He soon got the hang of it though!  He was proudly stumble-skating around and even remarked 'I never even cried once, mum!'

Owen had a penguin, but struggling with the concept that the blades he could barely walk on on firm land would work for him on this new slippery terrain, he wrapped his legs around said penguin, and waited for it to move.  Of course it didn't.

He then proceeded to do 'snow angels' and holding onto the penguin, dragging his feet while waiting to be pushed.  One woman had been round twice and asked if we were okay - offering to help us off the ice, as he just stopped point blank.

Having had 3 c-sections, my core isn't what it was, and my balance was completely out of sorts - I intend to rectify this asap.  I properly struggled to find my centre - it was quite disconcerting and debilitating for someone who was quite balanced before.  I'm really keen to sort it out!

The boys really want to do more, so I think we will take them to lessons every week.

Which are pricey, and something we could never even begin to contemplate before.

But now am earning a much better wage, so....

Ah, shit.

You see what I've done here?

Back to work tomorrow.... :(

Catching Up

Hey!

It's been more than a while, so I suppose I'm just going to blether a wee bit.

I left my job at the library.

I am devastated!

I have however embarked on a new adventure and am now working as a Project Co-Ordinator for a community project in Dundee.  It's a bit scary - people say things like, "ask the boss"  and " my manager" while referring to me and I am now accountable for things like paying the wages on time and making sure that there's funding available - as well as everything in between.

It's been a bit of a chaotic and rough ride so far - it's a small project and there's been a lot to do - and will be for the forseeable.

Someone told me that I should keep a list of successes.

So, for posterity, I am reminding myself that I can be successful sometimes.

It's far too easy to rest on the negatives and important to remember how much I have done in such a small space of time with it so far.

Fingers crossed it continues and that I don't die for some kind of stress-related illness in the interim.

I stopped childminding.  Hooray!

It was fun, but kind of all-consuming.  It's really nice not having to constantly panic about doing daft things like risk-assessing my own house daily.  My whole house is one big risk and actually, it's a lot better for everyone's health if I never have to think too hard about it.

The house is coming on, if albeit a bit slowly.  We are finally getting somewhere with the dining/kitchen thing, and slow improvements are being made.

It's very very difficult with two full time jobs, three kids and two dogs to get anything done quickly!

There's always someone who wants to sit on your knee.


The kids are all good. 

Tom is older than I ever wanted him to be - he will be 10 this year and I'm starting to see wee bits of 'teen' in him.  He asked for deoderant, has started 'doing' his hair and has stopped taking any real interest in toys and so on, favouring computers, gaming and anything Mario.  Which is cool.  I kind of always imagined my son would be into all of this stuff.  He has stopped reading so much, which is frustrating - I thought I had him!  But hey, he's replaced it with being a coding wizz, so swings and roundabouts!

Ethan is Ethan.  He is getting a little bit more savvy.  He is full of personality and has such a funny sense of humour - sometimes a little bit older than it should be, but we'll blame his dad for that!
He's figuring out the world at the moment and it is as complicated, scary and worrying for both of us I think.  He has such a literal point of view which can cause him so much anxiety, but he is getting there.

Owen - well, where do I start?  He's so chatty, so funny, so full of energy.  A definite character and going through some kind of oedipal stage at the moment (which as a mum I love - what mother doesn't love being the centre of a wee one's world?)  He makes me so happy and sad at the same time - we have this little blonde whirlwind of a creature in our lives and one day he will also grow up....

Ah, Kids.

And Dave is doing good.  He is also working in the community - working hard as usual.  He's really found his feet and continues to be my bestest buddy through everything.  He's really helped me survive these last few months at work and at home and everything in between.

So that's it from me for now...

...more to follow?

I hope so.  I have certainly missed blogging.  I should definitely do it more often.

One True Talent

It's a Tuesday afternoon and I have appeared at the school gates not once, but twice now in my quest to pick up the boys.

Yet again I have completely forgotten that they had 'singing group' after school and I'm supposed to pick them up later.

And yes, I have completely and utterly forgotten what time bloody later is, so yes, I have spent what is supposed to be otherwise awesome child-free time wrestling a crotchety toddler in and out of his car seat and frantically hunting for the bastarding bit of paper with the pick up times on which I am SURE I kept, but actually, probably chucked out with all the other 'important information' which gets barrelled in from the school on a daily basis.

I suck.

I am no good at school life mumming.

I love a good bit of admin.  I do.  I really, really do.  In fact, I love all aspects of paperwork - it makes me feel so good getting out that black biro and ticking boxes, signing forms and perfecting letters on the crisp white sheets.

It's the only time I feel like a half-decent person.

I have nice handwriting.  While I am writing something for work or school or in a group situation, I'm always very proudly rounding my letters and making sure my letters are neat and uniform.

They betray my true character (messy, unorganised bastard) and portray the best version of me - neat and diligent.

I get compliments on my writing "oh, how neat and lovely" and am pretty sure (and optimistic) that my writing will get me discovered one day and I can just do lovely writing as a profession, and everyone will know me as the lady with the gorgeous handwriting and will ask me to do all manner of important things for them.

Which I will do.  Gladly, and flawlessly, eager to share my one true talent.

(Except it's not my one true talent.  Oh no.  Through my writing they will also discover I have an eye for fine detail, am good at drawing and also have a knack for watercolour.  As time progresses, I also become famous for my man craft abilities, great cake decoration, amazing cooking skills and pretty sound general knowledge.  Oh and, I am also an amazing singer too.  "Sings like a nightingale")

So, I shall keep hand-writing the forms and filling out the letters and perfecting my swirly 'G' in the hope that it gets me noticed.  You know, by the school secretary. Of the tiny village school.

Well, you never know, right?

Dare to dream...

*Sigh*

In the meantime, I suppose I had better to remember to fill out the bastarding school dinner forms so that middle son can leave it in his bag for another 4 weeks. 

What's it to you, bub? Huh?

As I write this, I'm watching my two dogs wrestle on the footstool.

One is our rescue Collie, Kimmy and the other is our new rescue pup, Dolly.

Doll is our latest addition to this crazy household, and a very welcome one too.

Taken from a field in Hungary then taken to a killing station, she was then rescued, fostered for a while, then transported to Scotland where she was fostered again before coming home with us one wintry day.

AT just 9 months old, she's been through a lot, though is settling extremely well.

She needs work - but who doesn't?

Oh, she's also very large.

A big, playful, daft lump of  a beast.

But couthie, good with the kids and a really fun (if boisterous) playmate for Kim (who, after a lot of initial WTF is this?!  is actually really enjoying having a play buddy)

Getting your second dog is a bit like having your third child, I have discovered.

People are less interested and more likely to say some not-very-nice-things inadvertently.

To your face.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and a lot of people feel free to use it as they wish.

"Are you mad?" Yes.  We all know the answer to this.
"Have you not got enough to deal with" That's up to me.
"Why?  Just why?" Why the hell not?  I'm handling it. What's it to you?

Well: free speech and all.  I give not a jot.  I'll let you decide if that's dog or kids they were asking about.

The older I become, the less fucks I am inclined to give about what other people think about me.  It is so very freeing.

My life, my rules.

I've recently found a new kind of courageousness which I think I would like to attribute to a loss of anxiety about what other people think about me.

Fundamentally, I am a good and honest person.  I honestly and promisedly swear that everything I do is done with good intentions.

My failings are my own and I own them completely.

I lack confidence in my abilities a lot of the time.

I feel a lot of guilt about things outwith my control.

I am hugely empathetic and this really is my downfall a lot of the time.

But I am fed up of being an emotional doormat.

So, as practiced for a few months now, I am now:

Not taking any shit.

Speaking up when it is unfair.

Speaking up when people are rude to me.

Ignoring any badness or bad feeling.

Enjoying good intentions and goodness and laughing and loving and not feeling guilty or losing sleep or worrying.

Done and done.

Now - back to watching my two hairy babies play and be happy.

The Blethering Boys Xmas Gift Guide 2016

It's that time again!

Geez, it come around far too quickly.

My boys are at a rather tricky age this year, and I have to admit, I'm finding it difficult.

We are past the age of being able to delight with any old thing and very much into the age of more thoughtful and defining gifts, which I have to say I prefer.

I am very pleased to report that we must be having some kind of good affect on our kids through the way we conduct ourselves: already the boys have said that they don't care what they get, as long as everyone is happy and also that alongside their advent calendars this year, they would like to make a kindness jar, to enable them to do one kind deed each day.

These little glimmers of kindness and awesomeness are what make me so very proud and happy as a parent; we must be doing something right!

Like any parent, I still really want them to have what their hearts desire and this year, they have asked for tablets, so... :) We'll see what Santa brings!

The boys are really into shopping and have been browsing for gifts for others too.

We hope you enjoy our Blethering Boys 2016 Christmas Gift Guide!

STOCKING FILLERS

You can't go wrong with a lovely set of colouring pencils, and these ones from the Bic Kids range (rrp, £2.99) make a perfect wee stocking filler for some holiday colouring.

Sweets are always a welcome additon too, with some tasty treats in these perfect stocking-sized boxes from Swizzels available in Refreshers Softies, Wham bars and Fruit Salad Softies too! Yum!

And why not investigate uber-awesome and multi-coloured Smiggle for some gorgeous pens, paper, bags, books and all-round squee! Perfect to brighten up a stocking!

GIFTS FOR THE LADS

Stuck for a last-minute idea for the man in your life?  

The Braun Beard Trimmer (rrp £39.99) is an ideal gift to help your man stay groomed to perfection.

A super-cool tee from RedBubble should do the trick - they have an amazing range of cool designs, niche interests and geeky goodies galore!

Or for the essential piece of man-kit, why not go for the Leatherman Tread (rrp, £139-£189.99) - the ultimate man-bracelet which doubles (triples and quadruples!) into a a multi-tool!

GIFTS FOR THE BAIRNS

Disney's The Lion Guard playset (rrp £34.99) is a great gift for a wee one who loes a bit of roar-some fun!

The Leapfrop Leaping Letters (rrp£16.99) poses a great wee challenge for that niece or nephew who is just starting to learn their letters.

Of course BB8 bobblehead(rrp, £9.99) is bound to be a hit with Star Wars fans, old and young!

And the Bic Colouring Activity Set (rrp, £22) with 80 pieces, featuring Alvin and the Chipmunks is a lovely gift for that budding artist - and great value too!

GIFTS FOR YER MAW

Yarden Dead Sea Salts with Frankincense and rose petals (rrp, £8.99) are deliciously fragrant and make a wonderful gift to give yer maw a bit of well-earned relaxing time

Ladybird Books just keep coming up with some hilarious classics and 'The Mum' (rrp. £3.99) is one of my favourites!

Ness do some really gorgeous bags and purses and this really beautiful bag, Milly (rrp, £39.99), has a gorgeously patterned silk lining too! Cute!

The thing I got excited by the most about the VARV table lamp by IKEA (rrp £50) is the fact that it's wireless!  Waaaah! I hate wires.  This one charges via usb and then stays bright for ages, making it cool and minimalistic too. Perfect!

Of course, this year I am all about the giving and Xmas, for me, wouldn't be complete without some form of charitabel giving.  This year I am practicing what I preach and gifting via www.goodgifts.com

Be sure to have a look at some of the lovely ways you can pass on the love to someone else who needs it :)

Thanks for reading the Blethering Boys 2016 gift guide. 

The boys and I would like to wish you all the very best of the season to you and yours.

Noro very good weekend

It's been a week.

What started with Tom asking what death felt like before vomming all over the couch has ended with myself, Owen, Ethan and Dave having the worst bout of Norovirus we've ever encountered.

Here's what I have learned this week:

• We need more bedsheets
• We need new loo seats
• I need to clean toilets more often
• Having an upstairs bathroom is great
• Having a bathroom where the sink and loo are close together is a fucking lifesaver.
• Children are better at bouncing back from illness than adults
• My kids can basically look after themselves when they need to
• Cold water is amazing
• Tea and toast after Noro is basically better than tea and toast after having a baby.

Ha!  Indeed...You really do not!

I have never been so ill in my whole life.

It's really kicked my ass.

And as per usual, after a week of cleaning up after the kids, it's yours truly who ended up with the worst bout of it.

Highlights of the week have included:

• Dave catching two handfuls of sick from Tom
• Owen sicking down my back
• Poor Ethan having some truly awful poopy accidents five times in a row after he 'thought it was just a fart'
• Me giving sage advice to Ethan about 'maybe not trusting a fart at this stage in the game' while he agreed, 'no, we shouldn't'
• Owen not being able to trust his farts either
• Hysterically laughing with Dave as he deals with poopy baby on the couch at 3 in the morning while I deal with the whole puke/shit-fest going on upstairs
• Me heroically going to work after what will now be known as 'The Night of Hell' while poor Dave puked his guts up with baby and Ethan at home while Tom cheerfully went to school
• Me coming home and laughing with everyone about how awesome my immune system is..
• ...only to come home from picking up Tom and basically go through my own awful 'Night From Hell Mark 2: The Revenge of Noro'.
• Cracking my nose on the toilet lid which came crashing down on me as I puked violently into the bowl while trying to work out which end I would like to be over the toilet. I now have a black eye and possibly a broken nose.
• Spending the night on the couch with the dog who kept running away every time I moved to go to the toilet (approximately every 5 mins for about 12 hours) then being greeted like a hero upon my return.  Which is not as nice as it sounds when you feel like crap and just don't want any kind of interaction.

Just...yeah...

We are all thankfully feeling a lot better than we were.  Everyone is bloody starving now, so one of us will have to draw straws to see who wants to re-enter being an adult today and go and get supplies.

Dave is basically a hero - I have no idea how he managed at home with two kids while feeling like that.

I basically haven't spoken to him for two days because me and the loo have spent so much time getting to know each other (we are getting a new non-collapsing toilet seat).

And, I found out yesterday, ironically, it was world Toilet Day.

Someone is taking the piss.