No?
That's not it.
Today was a bit disappointing. I had an interview for a job I kind of already do, and for whatever reason (maternity leave? I'm rubbish at my job? Someone is much better?) I didn't get it.
It's a bit of a smack in the face not getting hired to do the job you already do, and I'm not shy about saying that it kind of sucks. But hey - melonade, folks, all the melonade I can drink.
It's a bittersweet moment for me. Ever since I started my current job, I've been hoping to do it on a full time basis, but as I went to interview I kind of realised that if I got this job on a full time basis, I would have to do it FULL TIME.
I mean, yeah, money and stuff, but what about the kids? What about school runs and watching T.V in the evening and homework and snatched evenings at the beach walking the dog?
And Owen is so small, and well, if I wasn't here, he's in full-time nursery or something. Poor kid.
I was scared of getting it. And scared of not getting it. And I'm a bit of a fate-ist. I decided to let fate handle the outcome: what's for you won't go by you and all that.
So, while I'm gutted not to be pursuing my career on a full-time basis, there's a realisation too that it is probably for the best, the kids are still young yet and, well, I'm not wonderwoman. And I cannot in fact 'have it all'.
Oddly, this is kind of refreshing.
And yet again, I find myself at another very interesting crossroads; the exciting and addictive part of being, what my husband affectionately calls, a 'butterfly'.
Not because I'm a total beaut (although I'm sure that's what he means...no?) but because I am in fact a bit of a fluttery butterfly when it comes to life. I never am happy with just one flower - oh no, I like to consider my options, take a small sip of the nectar and move on to the next flower.
Now I am free to consider other things: further education, running some children's groups locally, sewing, reading, thinking about other possible career paths and so on.
When we had our third child, after getting through 7 years of raising the other two to school age, we got a lot of questions about why we were indeed having yet another baby: how we could even contemplate starting all over again?
The public reasons varied, depending on which day you caught us on, but the reason we gave each other in private was that it was exciting, it was fun, the possibilities and you know, we had done it twice before. We knew that we had struggled and it had been hard before, but that also, it was amazing and often hilarious and we had learned so much. An act borne out of pure love for each other and our family. We had experience. And with that came the knowledge that we would enjoy it all the more. And we are. We are very lucky people.
But that crossroads...
It's a gift. What will happen next? Where will we end up?
It's amazing, this time last year I had absolutely no idea Owen would ever exist. We had no idea we would be in a house of our own, let alone a gorgeous house in the countryside with fab neighbours and a red collie dog.
If you'd told me that this time last year I would have exploded with the idea of it.
But here we are - drinking a shit-load of melonade with beer. And tequila. Hell, let's have a melonade party!
Change will come. Learning to walk again is fun.
Cheers!
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