Sunday, 22 May 2016

How to Home Dye Your Hair...An Honest Guide

I've been dying my hair for a lot of years now, but I style can't really get my head around it (ha!  See what I did there? HEAD?! Ahem, I'll get my coat...)

Ah, my newly dyed bonce!
I would love to be able to afford to go to the hairdressers every time some roots started to appear, but unfortunately, due to my fear of hairdressers, plus the fact that I'm really not into paying an extortionate amount of money every 6-8 weeks on my hair, when I could be spending it on, well, stuff I need, well, home-dye it is.

Here is my (somewhat tongue in cheek) guide to home-dying your hair.

1. Notice a grey hair poking through your parting one day.

Pluck it.  Watch over the next day and a half that at least 5 more have appeared in it's place. Pluck them.  Watch as 25 more grow.
Ad infinitum.

Try to tell yourself that you're not that grey really.  Catch yourself in the mirror a few times and wince at the grey bits around your temples.

Ask a colleague if they think you're grey, and watch as they tactfully try to say you are not, but you can tell by their lying eyes that you damn well are.

Spend copious amounts of time in the bathroom rippling your hair and watching as each grey glimmers in the dim light of the staffroom toilets.

2.   Resolve to dye your hair.

Think about what shade you fancy going this time.

Have daydreams of all kinds of fanciful shades, like Plum Power and Amber Nights.

Go to the shop and stand in front of a wall of hair dye for half an hour and try to work out the difference between Honey Honey and Honey Sun.

Go home, clueless and tell yourself it's not that bad really.

3. Arrive back in front of confusing dye wall a day later after your husband has told you that you haven't rubbed the dry shampoo into your hair properly and you angrily tell him 'it's NOT dry shampoo'.

Close eyes and make a circling motion with finger, pointing to a box and plucking it off the shelf, muttering 'fuck it, fuck it, this'll do', as you head to the wine aisle to buy strong wine.

4. Rest the box of dye on your bathroom shelf for approximately two weeks.  Look at it every time you go to the loo.

Read instructions half-assedly while sitting on the toilet catching a break from the sprogs.

Realise that it takes more effort than you thought and resolve to do it on a day when you get peace from the kids; who gets about 3/4 of an hour where they don't have to do something crazy? Hold off for the elusive day.

5.  Realise one Sunday morning that the only time you get to dye hair is on a Sunday morning when you've snuck into the bathroom in your pyjamas for a bath.

You think, 'yeah, this is perfect actually - I'll have a soak and my hair will have a soak too, then I'll just get dressed.

 It's just another bit added to the routine.  Easy!' This genius idea stops you having to avoid bumping into things with huge dye head, like some kind of walking permanent ink pen. Great idea!

6.  Open box.  Glance over instructions again (not too hard though - remember you've already 'read' them) while you mix the two chemicals together in the bottle to make up the dye.

There's no going back now; that one sentence you definitely read said that it must be used IMMEDIATELY.

Put on the terrible oversized comedy plastic gloves and push the tip off the nozzle.

It begins.

7.  Start by using the nozzle to squeeze the non-drip formula around your hairline, telling yourself this is best practice to avoid forehead colouring.

Source: ifunny
Swear a bit as non-drip formula drips somehow onto the floor.  It's okay, you have time - concentrate on the job at hand.

8. Worry about the line you've drawn around your head that might make you look like you've got  wig on. Start rubbing it with the oversized fingers.

Curse a bit as oversized fingers mean you get some on your forehead and above your eyebrows.  And nose.
It's okay - you have time before it stains properly.  30 mins for it to develop, you have ages!  You'll be done in a few - don't lose sight of the final job in hand.  You've started, so you'll finish.

9.  Realise that you got some stuff on the tips of your ears.

  Decide to get baby wipe to counter the mess - you've heard good things about baby wipes saving the day.  Only problem is, you've forgotten the baby wipes.  And you've locked the door. never mind, it's okay.  Wet toilet roll is the same, right?

10.  Oversized gloves are now covered in little flecks of stained toilet roll, as are forehead and tips of ears.

 It's okay, simply shake oversized glove over the sink to get the bits off - you can mop it up later; sinks are porcelein and don't stain (much).  Concentrate on trying to do back of head and try to imagine where your hairline is at the back.   Feel around in oversized gloves and hope for the best while dabbing globs of dye where you think is best.

11. Check dye bottle to see how much dye is left.

  Panic because there's not as much as you thought.  Start shaking bottle vigorously into palm and squeezing it out.  Watch as nondrip formula drips absolutely everywhere; thank goodness you are wearing an old pyjama top.  Mush dye into hair and pile hair up onto top of head and think about how much you look like Wilma Flintstone.

 Wonder why the dye looks black when you are really very sure it should be red.  Hope it changes with time.  Now for the bath.

12. Realise that you should have probably done the hair dye while topless to avoid this bit. 

 Stretch the collar of pyjama top as wide as it will go to stretch around hair.  Totally don't stretch it far enough and end up catching precariously bundled hair as you lift it over head.  Watch as hair slaps down onto your shoulders/face causing little dye marks which you furiously spend the next the next 5 minutes wiping off with toilet roll.

13. De-Glove.  Put gloves in box. 

 Congratulate yourself on being nice and tidy.  Look at rest of bathroom and resolve to clean it after bath.  Get into bath.  Realise that it's impossible to relax, as you can't put head back, lest hair bundle falls onto shoulders or face.  Sit rigidly in bath. Remember you need to wait 30 mins.  Or was it?   Instruction leaflet is in the box under the gloves. Oh well...

14. After waiting what you feel has been the allotted amount of time (and swearing to bring a watch next time), and performed, handily, all of the other tasks, like washing and shaving legs, now decide it's time to wash out the dye. 

 But how?  The answer looks so obvious, as you look at the bath water around you.  You won't get dye all over you if you wash your hair in the bath. Right?

15.  Realise that dunking dyed hair in the bath while you are still in it is a very terrible, bad idea as you sit up and realise that not only is there deep red water everywhere, but your boobs have red tide marks.

Source: Getty Images
Panic, fearing you are to be stained red for the next 8 weeks and jump out of the bath, hair only partially rinsed and thus still full of dye. Drain bath and turn on shower.
Oh god, this was a terrible idea, you think, as you look at the red drips all over the lovely light blue bath mat.

16. Hose down the bath and get in the tub again and hose yourself while bending completely over and trying to avoid dye getting in your eyes.

Get it in your eyes anyway and blindly feel around for the shower head.  Stand like this for approximately three hours as you wait for the red to just stop running from your hair.

17. Get out of the tub like a traumatised war hero.

  Witness the devastation around you. Hear your neglected children screaming from the bowels of the house beyond the bathroom door.
Look in the mirror and squint your eyes at the outcome.

It looks okay.

Good job, soldier, good job.

18.  Realise that you've missed a bit.  And you have red ears. And a red blotch on your forehead.  And red fingers. And you might have stained the shower curtain.

It's okay.  You have at least 8 weeks before you can begin this whole process again...



  1. I love this! I have been dying my hair for way more years than I will say. I also dye my ears, my forehead, a wall that happens to be near me at the time, inevitably something article of clothing that was no where near me. And yet, I keep doing it. I have had dye failures (never blond again, never. I even have a couple boxes of clearance dye sitting on a shelf, they have been there a year or two!

  2. lol what an awesome post and so true. I remember the first time I dyed my hair, thank goodness it was a non permanent one. And no drip doesn't mean it won't drive and dye everything ;) xx

  3. Hahah, this is brilliant and so true. I spend a worrying amount of time looking for grey hairs!! #chucklemums

  4. Oh god this is exactly me. My hair is awful. All the time. And then I try and dye it and it's an ordeal. I have two packs in the cupboard waiting for an opportune moment and roots down to my ears...

    Thanks for joining #chucklemums

  5. Ha ha this made me laugh, especially the bit about plucking out a grey hair! Mother used to dye her hair red and once gave herself burn marks removing dye marks from her cheeks using nail varnish remover. Now she is just grateful her sister has trained as a hairdresser #chucklemums

  6. Fabulous post! I don't dye my hair as I'm a natural redhead. I tried to have highlights done when I was teenager and they never worked! xx

    Thanks for linking up with #stayclassy

  7. Hahah so funny! I feel like I have done every single point on this list, not having a towel around my shoulders whilst dying was a "blonde" moment ; ). DUH. You're right, it's so expensive to go to the hair salon every 6-8 weeks, but the highlights look so much better than the dye! : ( meehhhh. Also the bathroom break from the kids is a real thing, I DO this, it is very much needed lol. Thanks for sharing with #StayClassy!


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