Sunday, 11 September 2016

I Am The Boss Of Me and I Am #NotSorry

I've not written for a while - but that's okay.

I am only accountable to myself for my own things.  It's a new-found power which I am still trying out, but it's kind of great.

It's very liberating to understand that you, yourself are the only person who is in control of how others make you feel.

It is a really lovely thing to not give a fuck and to stop feeling guilty or worried about small scenarios or situations in in your head which otherwise clutter up your precious hours, minutes and days.

It is understanding and playing with the fine line of happiness and the things that give you back little bits of self-respect which all add up to happy.

I've just finished reading The Life changing Magic of Not Giving A Fuck and learning how to be #NotSorry.

I am a born worrier.  I have historically worried about all the little things from a very young age.

How did I control this worry?

I worried it all over in detail.  I was convinced that if I worried over it even more, in finer detail, then I could convince myself that I've worried enough about it to warrant not worrying more.

Which is a batshit waste of time.

And I am sick fed up of trying so hard and only ending up apologising for myself. It's time to move on.

I deserve not to be kept up at night worrying about what people think of me

I deserve to feel in control of my life.

I deserve to not feel obligated to obey and serve to the detriment of my own time, energy and stomach acid.

Jeez - I am fed up of feeling sick about stuff.

I may not always get things right, I might unwittingly upset people by accident, I may fuck things up from time to time, but I do it all with the best of intentions.  I work bloody hard and I'll be fucked if I am going to apologise for my failings all the time.  Everyone has them. Nobody is perfect.

Here is what I have learned by stopping the worry:

  •  It is okay to worry about the big things - life is really fucking stressful, but it's okay and healthy to acknowledge when there is problem.  It is okay to worry out loud.  It is more than okay to share the worry. Eventually the worry will pass. The problem will go. Worries come and go; this is normal.
  • It is not okay to let other people make you feel bad.  It is perfectly okay to speak up when you feel disrespected and it is more than okay to say how you feel. To the person causing harm if needs be. I am a good person and usually always, always, always am doing my best with some really good intentions and I do not deserve disrespect. #NotSorry
  • Honesty goes a long way. Can't manage something? Be honest. Don't try to cover your tracks with white lies or a huge story; just say no.  You are one person and any one person only has so much time, energy and love to give to something.  It's okay to need to stop.  It's okay to honestly admit this.
  • Mostly, any problems anyone has with you is completely theirs. Completely. And that's okay. Not your issue. Walk away, don't worry about it.  Stay nice, but don't worry about it - you can't change how others feel about you.  But still call the disrespect, because that shit is nasty. #NotSorry.
  • Try not to look to others to validate how you feel about something. If you have passion in your heart and good intentions than, fuck it. You have good intentions. #NotSorry

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That time my Dad left