Well, world, what in the heck happened?
One day I catch myself saying to Dave: "I wish something would happen, you know? Something that just makes the world stop for a bit. I'm so done with the relentless-ness of it all and just want it all to stop"
And the next - it did.
Sometimes I do feel like I am connected to this wee old planet in a bit of a spiritual way (ooky spooky!) and well, most times I do really just feel like a bit of a spaceman floating around waiting for something to happen or tell me where to go.
And sometimes I feel absolutely driven, like I am desperately feeling like I need to fulfil my purpose RIGHT NOW, which is kind of how I am feeling just now.
Covid has been a bit of a crazy ride, and as we come up to the wierdest anniversary of anything ever - like, ever - I feel a bit like I have ridden the greatest rollercoaster in my whole life and now I have to get off and go home back to the boring mundane.
I'm not ashamed to say, I have quite enjoyed being locked down. I mean, okay, it has been a bit shit for the kids; my oldest basically got chucked out of p7 and into high school with the shittest goodbye ever, my youngest has had to start school in pandemic conditions and I think I might have gained about 2 stone because I have comfort eaten the fuck out of it, but otherwise, it's been fine, really.
Middle boy has been better than he has ever been and has come on so much- any of the regular societal pressures he has felt over the years has completely gone and school is now much more manageable for him. The weight of all of that being taken off has changed our family considerably. The crazy merry-go-round has actually stopped, which is nothing short of miraculous. It may even have given us some actual formative real chance of getting somewhere with this.
Myself and Dave are keyworkers in the third sector and our jobs have catapulted our careers further in a shorter space of time than any of us could have imagined. It is absolutely mind-blowing compared to last year where we are now, and for that I am eternally grateful. It feels like a mad dream.
By all accounts, I certainly don't ever want to downplay anything that has happened in the world or the horrible, awful, terrible hardships anyone has been through in the last year; not at all. Working in the third sector (and in things like emergency provision for basic needs like food and clothing), I know life is so tough on so many and in so many horrible conditions all over the world.
But personally, for me, for us, for our wee family, in this wee dilapidated cottage which is going to suck our souls dry (or leave us dying of frostbite or in an electrical fire) for once...for once....FOR ONCE....the world isn't shitting right on our laps for a change.
And it feels good.
It feels good to be able to put food on the table without panicking. We are travelling a lot less, so less wear on the cars, which meant come MOT time, we weren't completely destroyed. We are paying a lot less for fuel, so aren't constantly running on empty. We have been able to address some real pressing issues in the house like basic furniture needs, like buying the kids a bed and bedding. We have been able to buy gifts at Christmas without sheer panic.
I keep waiting for the bolt to shut across the door, when whatever cosmic being has let us free from our usual crock of shit life realises that we got out, but it hasn't happened just yet.
While the rest of the world is desperate to get back to 'normal', here's me in a corner saying, "please, not quite yet. There's still so much to do".
I mean, I've written it down now, so I have totally jinxed it, but it has been so nice to just have this break.
And if all I end up with is this little memoir to look back on, well, I'm glad it happened and now I know it can happen - so watch out world, here I come.