- I haven't been to the hairdressers for 3 years. I cut my own fringe in. I dye my own hair with packet dye. Admittedly, I've stopped picking up shades of Powerful Pink and Brazen Blue and Electric Purple and dreaming of fantastic transformations via semi-permanent, but still, I'm living in denial about the amount of grey coverage Raving Red gives my crowning glory.
- I get I.D'd for alcohol all the time but instead of getting happy and whipping out my I.D while musing how fabulous and young I still look, I just act like a petulant teenager, because, guess what? I left my I.D at home. Again. I should, quite frankly, know better.
- I want nice furniture, but am I hell paying that much for a sideboard. Why is furniture so expensive? Who knew? I can't reconcile my love of *nice* furniture with actually spending cold hard cash on it. I'm not there yet.
- I can't do anything I want. I spent my whole childhood being told that 'when you grow up, you can do what you want to do'. LIES! I've never felt so constrained by life before growing up. Now everything is complicated and hard and expensive and I am tired. I need beer, but I'll get I.D'd at the shop, dammit. And my kids ate all my nice food.
- My washing is never done. Ever. Even that one magical day where the washing basket was empty and all of the clothes were away, I found a pair of jeans and two nearly-mouldy jumpers in the boot of my car. I got complacent in my victory, which is the reason why Washing Mount Fuji has reappeared.
- I cannot eat whatever I want. Apparently when I hit adulthood, my fat gene got turned on. I'm trying to eat healthy, but it's so hard. I'm in more need of comfort food than I have ever been before. School runs will do that to a gal.
Guess who got to move the stuff when we moved house on her own?
- I don't really like driving. As the sole driver in the house, it's sometimes freedom, but mainly it just means that I'm saddled doing all of the jobs nobody else really wants to do, you know, because I'm the one with the car. It's not the freedom I was led to believe it would be...
- I'm hanging onto my youth like some kind of crazy person. Seriously - I just threw out a cardigan that I bought with my first wage when I was 13. But only because it had holes at the sleeves. Until then I hadn't even thought about being too old to wear sugar-fuschia pink. Or that my boobs were far too big to button it up.
- Alcohol and poorly-made Nachos are apparently a legitimate meal option after a long, hard day. (read - crisps with cheese melted over them. no dips. I'm not always responsible enough to buy dips).
- I can't move on from music I loved as a teenager. I don't know why - I am just unable to listen to new music. I actively spend my time avoiding it. And now I have Spotify and Absolute Radio 90's, I don't have to listen to new music ever again if I don't want to. Sorry kids, mum's never going to be 'cool'. Unless 90's music goes old-skool and vintage and awesome, which I highly believe it will. Everything does at some point, right? LeAnne Rimes anyone? Can't Fight The Moonlight.
- Don't put your hands down the back of my sofa, I beg you. I looked down there once to reclaim the remote control and it wasn't pretty. Yes, those are Cheerios. No, there are no coins. If there was I'd definitely be looking there more often. Trust me, I know where all of the coins are, we are too poor to not know where the coins are.
- I never find a fiver in my coat pocket. I am yet to be the proud recipient of a long-forgotten piece of paper money. That's hilarious! I'm still waiting to be the kind of adult who carries a spare pound in her pocket for the shopping trolley at the supermarket.
- Our house is the cleanest when we are expecting folk over. Please don't drop in on us unexpectedly. You won't be allowed in. Our state of affairs lists from slightly messy to alarming.
- I still have no idea how to do make-up past 'smear foundation over face until it blends in. Add mascara and eye stuff. Distract with scary shades of lippie'
- I've forgotten to pay Tom's gymnastics teacher two weeks in a row and got his dinner money envelope back this morning saying 'no money in envelope'. I did remember to put his gym shoes in for After School Club though, so *high five!*
Gimme a break - I was hugely pregnant here!
- I have no stamina and I hate routine.I completely wear myself out being superwoman and then give myself a ten week holiday for being so awesome for those two days.
- I have to take a new cup every single time I need a drink and I drive my husband crazy. On my side of the bed I routinely amass a 'water cup' situation that borders on depravity. I hate myself for it, but last thing at night, I don't care. I might not even drink from these cups. I just fill one up with water, take it to bed and add it to the rest of my stash. For no real reason.
- I can't throw out my old cuddly toys. And what's worse - now my kids have cuddly toys and they love them and mine too, making it even harder to thin them out. Now, between us, we have an obscene collection of stuffed animals. What if nobody loves them as much as we do? We can't split them up - they're a family! Haven't you seen Toy Story?
- I always tell myself I have enough time to make a packed lunch in the morning. I never have time to make a packed lunch in the morning.
- I am always extremely disappointed that meeting up with friends is now generally for a cup of tea, a nice sober juice or just a quiet board game. The pangs of regret that we are not getting tanked off of two bottles of wine and playing strip-poker are huge. Meeting with friends used to mean dancing into the late hours, doing crazy stuff and falling asleep on someone else's sofa before doing the walk of shame home.
Actually, I'm lying. That's the one part I don't really miss. I'm glad I no longer have to wear uncomfortable shoes and sit in noisy, horrible, expensive bars. Or get sleazed on by pervy old men. Or get so drunk that I can't see. Or have epic hangovers. Or, admittedly, the walk of shame (even though there was something quite badass about it).
But hell, I do miss that cheap beer at the student union.